Memory Lane

Love, I love the way I call you

I love the way I say your name

When I'm angry, happy, laughing til dawn

I just love all the memories.

Joy, full of joy what I had with you

True happiness, what they say it’s true

You are perfect, you are you (despite everything).

Our public romances, like Romeo

Who caresses Juliet in any way possible

All the stolen kisses we’re not afraid to show

And now I'm reminiscing, lost my own gamble.

It’s not what you feel, neither what’s mine

It’s how we’ve been that we need to rebound

I swore to myself you are the one, please come back

No, don’t go, I need you my love.

My name, you love to say it three way

Now, you just say it when you’re mad,

Paranoid, ‘coz I’m dying, pitiful – do not frown

I just loathe all those memories.

Hope, all I have never fail to stroke

I sang ‘til 3 am all the songs that hurt

The lady saw me crying, bleeding never stops

Soon I knew, I'm drunk in Coke.

Our public chances, all the tears you owe

You got hurt too, in any way possible

All the stolen kisses you try to shoo

And now it hurts me, I struggle.

You to me is everything

That was a long gone feeling

But now I’m okay, finely breathing

Go back, should I not dare...

Should never dared.

Should never stayed.

Should never be afraid to change.

The End...

We just need to end it all... SOON.

Thought Bubble: Ed Sheeran's PHOTOGRAPH

They say, love is one of the essential things we need to feel for us to live. It varies to some extent from one pole to the other. It’s like for some reason validates our purpose and existence in this planet. Yes, it does make sense at some point. For all we know it, we are already feeling it. To whom? It doesn’t matter. But what if, what if we will come to a point where love – love that does exists, feels like unrequited, partial and sometimes hurtful?

Who are we running to? Who are we looking forward to keep the fire within eternally burning? Who will fix everything for our very soul? The answer is nowhere here in any of these words.

I bumped into this song by Ed Sheeran, Photograph fresh from his album x. It was a melancholy singing about how shit’s got real when it comes to love. It’s too C-O-M-P-L-E-X. It compels you to face things that we cannot really hold on to. There’s this someone who told me to write something about this song so there, I’ll try to give my two cents to Ed and company.

This song resembles different situations from different people. It is like a jab on those who are hurting, those who are hoping, and those who are just there merely standing and being themselves.

“Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive”

The first verse is very straightforward but can be interpreted to several notions. Yes, love does hurt, but indirectly. It may be the cause but never the effect – or so it goes. Most people are hurting because of losing a loved one, being left by another, or being physically hurt to that effect. It is the catalyst of all evil (you’re vindicated, MONEY!) as we do most things, whether good or bad, because of love in general. That’s my perception there. On the second line, it follows up with providing our human nature – to love and love again. We may get hurt multiple times. We may be that stupid to commit all the same mistakes, but who are we to judge? It is engineered in our veins that we are bound to love again despite everything that we had in the past. We keep to follow this route well taken. Yes, love may be tough, but at least, it is somehow worth it. The third and fourth line is just plain and simple, in order to breathe you have to love or be loved, at least. (Thanks Mom!)

No matter how douche your ex was, you will always get to find someone better. Someone you deserve. Someone who’s willing to shed blood for you – for what it’s worth. But the moment you had your first, second, and so on, there will always be memories. There are things that you will never forget. At any moment, it might leave you a smile, a grin or even a small drop of tear in your eyes. It’s that special. And love did that. You know how hard it is and how the feeling sucks for remembering something that pushed you off the cliff. It’s just that painful. You even have to fight for recuperation every single fucking day. And so you post, repost, share, the same shit that you keeps on relating to any heartbreak on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, or maybe Friendster (back when you had your puppy love then) just to ease the pain temporarily or just to get a sympathy from your bunch of not-so-real friends on your social media.

Anyhow, that’s why Mr. Sheeran said,

“We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time's forever frozen still.”

You just simply can’t move on. You just wished that only if you could turn back time, you certainly will. If only you could keep everything under control. Only for you to find out that it was never over. That it is still the same like before. We are stuck to that ideal moments where all you think about is how to let not time pass because love made you believe that life is wonderful and you are living magically with all the rainbow and unicorn shits up above. We keep it just for ourselves. We cherish it. We own it. We want to let it play in our minds forever. That’s when hurting starts to eat bits of you. #Guilty That’s when the tears start to race down from your worn, pathetic eyes which was only used for crying over someone who will never come back. If we can always ask God for a #ThrowbackThursday every day, everyone will be sane right now.

And that’s where Ed released the chorus, either the person who left you, tells you unknowingly that there’s still a memory for you to relive. It’s not that one is totally gone, it’s just that the right time is not up yet. Keeping someone in a pocket is really hard. This can be meant for us to keep the memories in our heart even if it’s already torn apart. Sounds masochism, right? But that’s how it should be. “You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.” It’s either you move on and find another, hold back and die miserably or just simply wait – for nothing. It hurts. It hurts, brothers and sisters. We are meant to experience that pain and try to endure it. We are meant to be hurt. But it will never always be the case.

On another perspective, another person will tell you that love can soothe and can “heal what has been hurt, change the fates' design, and save what has been lost” as soon as you walk by. That someone will tell you that it’s never too late to regain the trust someone has made you forbid. It’s just that the question is when, how, where, who will be that someone, but still the answer remains unknown. The lines reassured that it is ok to be hurt and the reason behind it is because if not for that, s/he may never meet you or worse, may never thought that you’re living right with that stupid creation God has ever made to be forgotten. #Bitter. Welp, only for this very reason that it is suggested that the writer wanted to make you feel that another set of memories are waiting for you to make. It is obligatory; however, it’s with someone you ought to know to be better than those who might have hurt you, that’s why, when the Pre-chorus to Chorus, you might feel that it was delivered lighter than it was first sung because it’s more of a reassurance that the memories that you have already, the one that you are keeping is already for good. That you’ve finally found your match and it’s something to live with, forever for another fixed amount of time.

We always want to have a knight in shining, shimmering armor. As aforementioned, we all want to live in a fairy tale wherein someone will protect you in the toughest call of time, lest no one will hurt you. And it’s shown here that no matter what you do (you can cheat now, honey), that even if you hurt that person, even if you have done the same thing you’ve experienced badly before, it is fine. Understanding is the key even if deep inside, hemorrhage is already felt. Even if you fall apart, which of course, you don’t wanna happen, s/he will always be there for you. Friends, lovers or not, the presence will still be there. Enveloped by all the memories you’ve made together, being a martyr will still fix this pain. You don’t have to worry. It takes one to know one.

Like what lockets are for, it is also suggested that you should put your current lover in the same place you put your former. It might be quite awkward, but that’s the place your love deserves. It can also be interpreted as to love and be faithful with someone who does the same to you. “Inside the necklace you bought when you were sixteen. Next to your heartbeat where I should be” It is analogous that the necklace you had when you were sixteen might be your first or whatever relationship you had before. Feeling that the love you have for him might not be the same than before, better wake yourself up and give the same shit. Even if you were hurt before, you’re not entitled to hurt someone innocent just to feel the type of vindication you wished you had with your ex. Better get your act straight ‘coz you are just being unfair. You don’t want to repeat the first verse just for emphasis. Just as promised, no matter how dupe you are, someone will stay for you. Someone will make you feel that love is still wonderful even without feeling too much pain.

To end the song, Ed Sheeran's Photograph told us to remember that no matter what might happen, there will always be this wonder whenever you both will remember the things you did together, embracing the feeling of how it is to be in love unbeknownst of what the future holds.

This song just leave us a note to be hopeless romantic forever as long as we find our “Best Love” (True is somewhat rare so I’d rather have the best relationship mixed with pain and joy). Life is a never ending cycle. Better love as long as you can. Better move forward as fast as it is possible since, shit is real and it will really blow every single piece of you. Let us find the true grit of this crazy little thing called love. Keep on loving,. keep on hoping. keep on ... err, trusting.

Good luck.

PS: I don’t know if everything I said here really make sense, but nonetheless, I already did what has been promised. ;)

PINOY BIG BROTHER: What Twist and Turns Should Be Thrown?

I have been a strong follower of PinoyBig Brother ever since I was a kid. I have watched most episodes except for the seasons that put me to a total ennui a lot (Celebrity 2, Teen Edition Plus & All In). Albeit the clamor and the hate with this show, I still embraced the show with all my heart. Since Kumander Nene started the revolution up until Daniel Matsunaga burned all the odds, I watched all of them being hailed as the Big Winner. They never fail to polarize the audience.

Controversy is what I think PBB’s charm. It makes people talk about the housemates and all the crazy stuff they are doing. Whether people loathe or love any season, they keep on watching just not to miss any single moment that they can talk about with their friends the following day. I will never forget Chx and Sam’s encounter, Rustom BB’s butterfly confession, Biance-Zanjoe showmance, Mariel Rodriguez’ stint inside the house, Melason Fever, the infamous PBB TEENS!, ALEX GONZAGA HERSELF (I’m very vocal of how I love the Gonzaga Sisters. I love Alex so so much. She’s terribly cute. Never fails to make me laugh), Jane’s NO COMMENT statement and many other notable moments that only happened in the big blue/yellow house – the most FAMOUS HOUSE in the world.

BEAT THAT.

Well, since then, I have watched or been following international BBs and like its Filipino counterpart, each country’s own version makes all the noise it deserves, too. Welp, I love BBUS and BBCA (read: Big Brother USA and Canada, respectively) tho sometimes, they also have their low points (paging #BB1, #BB15 and #BBCA2). But what I can’t argue is that the other shows can really pull off a very good twists in their game [tho sometimes some twist are just borrowed to other neighbor BBs (Half Nots of BBCA2 used first in BBAU) which is definitely fine]. Also, the production value of each tasks and competitions are really an A-OK!

Note: Producers should think of new type of competitions so “BB Superfans” won’t predict the run of the game.

Being a frustrated housemate (yes, I badly wanna be a housemate) and also a big fan, I want the show to be at its finest every time, so the general public (not the fantards, ugh!) will also appreciate the beauty of the show.  Stop making PBB as a popularity vote or a Charity case. Let’s make it more than that. Wishing I'm one of the producers, I would like to throw in some twists and turns used from previous seasons and from other versions of Big Brother (Hello BB US and BB Canada!!! Hi Julie!!!) and also create my own evil twists, but first… let’s deal with some minor things here.

•  CASTING – It is usually the problem. It is always a hit or miss. The thing is, let’s just not rely with pretty faces and hot bodies. Yes we want eye candies, but I will always choose to have people with a very dark or colorful personality. DO NOT CAST ANYONE WHO HAS A MANAGER ALREADY. Do not make this game a gate to enter heaven hell showbiz (but sooner or later, that’s where you’ll be heading). As far as I know, it is within the confidentiality clause but still, EVERY SINGLE season, somebody slips. JUST. DON’T. GET. AN. ARTISTA. WANNABE. There will never be another Queen Chiu. She’ll forever be the brightest. Not anyone will come close. Also, I loathe to have the “paawa” type of housemate. Like seriously, getting another Lyca (from TVK) is a big NO! (Write a letter to Ms. Charo instead). They are simply annoying. Especially when the attempt gets to fail (calling Cheridel). Get a villain, get a fighter, drop the floaters and let people be true like don’t get too pa-cute. It’s not even cute. I will always opt to have a Wendy (PBB2) or a Baron (Celebrity 2) or even a Tricia (Teen Clash) or a Beauty (Teen Plus) just to spice up every season. They are like the least pretentious of all. Then scramble them with the “patawa” housemates like The Ryan Bang and Jason + Franzen (Teen Clash and PBB1, respectively) who really had a good run in their owns seasons, will do the works. Just to reiterate, don’t get artista wannabes. Just please. NO.
• TASKS – Isn’t it noticeable to the audience that sometimes, tasks are annoying, NEVER REPEAT a task, just NO. I think going on a very cheesy or too “FOR TV” is too much. Just NO. Also, stop doing BIG CONCERTS and ACTING WORKSHOPS, waste of a week. Seriously.
• BIG NIGHT – NEVER MAKE ANOTHER ONE LIKE WHAT YOU DID WITH THE ALL IN BIG NIGHT! People awaits the Big Night every time, so give them what they deserve. Standouts are the spoof of the Big 4 by our very good comedians, poking fun at their nuances or their “moments” during their stay is really fun to watch. Also, the Big Winner’s exit. That’s the spectacle. Just make something out of it. Seriously. Make it explosive like what you did to Ejay’s (Teen Clash) or Beatriz’ (PBB2). It is really a feast for the eyes.

So now, I will put a list of possible twists and challenges that can really make a season exciting.

• CHANGE THE FORMAT. Throw some HOH (Head of Household), POV (Power of Veto) in a much classier way. HOH has been done before in Double Up and Unlimited although done poorly, as well as POV (read: InstaSAVE) in All In in the most pathetic manner. Level up the playing field by making the competitions less dramatic. Just watch other BBs for clues with what I’m talking about. This can stir up the game.
• REMOVE THE TEXT VOTES. Well not totally. Remember how Myrtle won over Joj and Jai because she has more fans? Like seriously? Giving the absolute power to the audience can be a little dangerous (look at what happened to Loisa and Pamu, All In and Double Up) since this can make others who vote too furious, too. Well, it has some good points too!
• BBN (POWER TO NOMINATE) – Make it a staple. But not for too long. People knows who to stay and who to go.
• BBE (POWER TO EVICT) – To be frank, this put Daniel to the top. If not for the angry Loisa fans who BBE’d Jane, she could’ve won the race (well played, Maris’ fans ;P). This is too powerful. Producers should know tho when to pull this off or not. Don’t make it a staple coz a good player might go out without us noticing it.
• PANDORA’S BOX. This was done in several BBUS seasons (BB 11-14) and it made a major change in the game (Ian’s Golden Power of Veto). Just to stir the pot, put some houseguests that has been evicted out, or automatically nominate and possibly evict a housemate. That sounds fun right?
• SABOTEUR.  This says it all.
• COUP D’ETAT. Simple. The holder of the Coup d'Etat has the power to overthrow the Head of Household's nominations. This is very ruthless. Throw it in whenever the needs arise.
• JURY. This is when you need my previous selection. Everybody wants to be part in the jury (this only happens if PBB lets it happen). When someone needs it, let the people vote for who will have the power. What I propose is make it like what BBCA2 did. A 7 people jury will be enough. Let the people cast the vote. Make the previously evicted housemates and Philippines (who will get the highest votes will be the vote to cast), who are part of the Jury, will decide which of the remaining housemates will win.
• FACE TO FACE EVICTIONS. A format can be, the public and the HOH will have their nominees (3 or more in case of tie). As soon as eviction comes, they should tell their reasons. Sometimes, all you need are balls. At the first few weeks, they can throw each other under the bus, by evicting each other FACE. TO. FACE. No holds barred.

 I also suggest some twists I thought of that could be interesting.

• HOUSEHOLD SHUFFLE. I certainly think this will be evil. For two weeks which will be randomly made during the entire run, this twist shall take effect. At maybe week 3-5, pull the first shuffle wherein the current HOH and nominations will be void and at random draw (or any possible twisted twist you can imagine), a new HOH will be crowned and get to pick nominees, excluding the previous HOH and nominees, just to hurt their game. HAHAHA. Then as soon as they entered jury, the madlang people (yes, you guys) will get to choose the HOH, the nominees, and the POV Holder, so that the power might be shifted. I don’t know how they will ever play the game without playing safe.
• BLIND NOMINATIONS. This is just a way to defer the predictability of the game. The public will vote of a number randomly assigned to choose who they will nominate. It will also be the same to the HOH, s/he will pick a number that corresponds to his nominations. Another heinous plan to break out alliances. They need to start to open their eyes. Hahaha.
• WHEEL OF FATE. It all lies with one wheel. Everything is meant to be chaotic. (I don’t know, I’m just that brutal.) But isn't it funny that while all the housemates think that the wheel basically controls their fate, it’s the public who will decide who will get what in a spin, except for the last spin wherein it will be randomly picked by the HOH – an Automatic Nomination/Eviction awaits which will put a larger stake for them. They need to be HOH for a guaranteed safety. Well, it could also be done in such a manner wherein the public can’t vote and just let everyone gets what they deserve especially the Auto N/E. The main theme is anyone’s fate relies on one or no one.
• DOUBLE TROUBLE. Double Eviction? No. 2 in 1 Housemate? No. It will be twisted when we level up the Merry-Go-Round x Musical Chairs game. Start with their original partner à la Amazing Race, be it Lovers, Relatives, Friends, etc., and on the next couple of weeks, partners will revolve with one after another. 2 Doubles nominated, but only one of the Doubles will remain, the other half will be eliminated, voted by our dear Safe Doubles. Then the Remaining Singles will have to switch partners with the reigning HOH (or maybe throw some twist yet to pick any innocent couple) and for several weeks, they will be partnered with their alliance and non-alliance. The catch is, the least they expect it, a DOUBLE DOUBLE ELIMINATION or a simple DOUBLE ELIMINATION (The existing nominated couple will be evicted and not 1 per nominated couple) will come to place. This is exhilarating!
• FANS VS FAVORITES. This has never been done to in BB History. If Survivor can pull it off, why not BB?
• ALL STARS. This has never been done in the Philippines, so gathering all the memorable housemates and putting them to the test will be priceless.
• BIG WINNERS. Why not let the BEST play the BEST GAME EVER? With proper execution of the tasks here, surely, it will be EPIC.

The producers can freely pick this up (I am open for commission. Kidding!) as I really love the show and want to have a viewing pleasure every night. I want to see people really play and not just merely rely heavily on their looks, star material and their background. I really hope this could reach the management of PBB, Direk Lauren, Endemol, (CBS oh gee!) and anyone in charge.

Fluky Days, Knee-jerk Boracay

Summer is never too late or so am I.

Everything happened in a whim.

In a one random day (that's Thursday!), I thought of fulfilling one of my bucket list, "Try to ride the PNR from the first station up to the last (which is in BICOL) and back forth."

Well that DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Later on, I found myself staring blankly at the CebuPacific website. (Yeah, I'm out of thoughts, so I'm literally staring.) Luckily, I found out that they do sell tickets for like 1 Peso from MNL—KLO sans all the charges that they gonna add up on top of the fare they have for promo. Afterward, without doubt, I found myself clicking on the final stage and stuff for booking a 3 days/2 nights stay heading to Boracay. It was so uncanny of me not even thinking the pros and cons of traveling ALONE.

Just to keep the record straight, I have never traveled alone to a distance which is so foreign to me. For sure, I'm gonna be fucked up. I'm stupid with directions tho.

Still, I'm determined to get there. I need to conquer the unknown. So I printed all the necessary things and pay the corresponding fees I have to.

Soon enough, I went reading blogs on how to go to Boracay, what to bring, where the must-see places are and where the good place to stay are.

I was that lucky to book a very cheap, but decent room that suits well all the things I need.

Oh okay, so here is my story now.

The main reason why I’m doing all these random crazy things is for me to forget what needs to be forgotten. I also need to find myself again which I eventually lost in one of the most unfortunate events months ago – SOUL SEARCHING, as most people say. And I’m really determined to achieve that feat.

One of MY NECESSARY SELFIES

As I already booked my flight heading there, I went on shopping already for like clothes to wear (a very nonsense compulsion) and all the stuffs I need like toiletries et al. Soon enough, I found myself already inside a cab heading to the airport and just hoping everything will be fine.

I boarded the plane and just took the NECESSARY SELFIES A NEOPHYTE TRAVELLER should have ~ I succumb to that tradition. I just can’t help it. I’m ecstatic.

On board, I met my seatmate, Ana, a French architect who is heading to Boracay, too. (I FORGOT TO TAKE AS MUCH PHOTOS AS I COULD, AS WELL AS, THE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE I MET. MAYBE BECAUSE, I PREFER TO CHERISH EVERY MOMENT I’M SPENDING RATHER THAN STICKING MY HANDS WITH THE CAMERA AND JUST CLICK AND SNAP EVERY SINGLE TIME.) Oh well, we shared stories and yeah talk in French just a little bit. It’s really harder to be at par with those who all their lives speak French in a more conversational context. On one hand, we decided to travel together up until Boracay so that it’ll be easier.

As far as the view and the experience concerned, it seemed to be fine, there’s nothing more to highlight there except that we arrived 35 minutes earlier than the expected time of arrival and that this is my first airplane ride. There you have it!

Ok, so what happened is when we arrived at Kalibo International Airport, Ana, since she’s a transferred passenger from another flight, her luggage are found out of sight and so I decided to move forward just by myself.

I rode on a white van and whilst waiting, which is so frustrating because the guy there told me that it’s “paalis na” when totally, it is not. That’s where I met two Japanese tourists – Dai and Hiro. They are very good people. Albeit they cannot speak English well, they manage to have a good chat with me and share some stories from both different cultures. This is what I really loved with this travel. I got to speak with as much people (read: STRANGERS) as I want and they are really nice. They treat me as if they know me long before. One funny anecdote is I gave them Skittles and they liked it. Dai said there’s no Skittles there and have never ate one before, but thinks that there’s like A SIMILAR PRODUCT in Japan. It’s so cute how they talk about things back and forth coz they have to translate it.

It has really been a long ride before we got to the jetty port. From there, we rode the boat and got to ride a trike going to White Beach.

Hold your bananas!

WELCOME TO BORACAY!

Look how the sea comes back to life.

One of the Sand Castles made during my stay.

Ok, I arrived there at around past 8 o’clock maybe, so its total darkness that holds around the island, but no. The beauty of the island is still captivating even at night. The ocean breeze the hugs you so tight are just perfect. The sand that every step of the way warms you bare feet and what not, the lights that surround the busy pavements from Stations 1 to 3 are just there letting you be amazed. It was such a joy.

Right off the bat, I started having my alone time. The sole purpose while I’m here. I did walk the coast from Station 3 (where I stay) up until Station 1. I can barely notice anyone, but me having deep thoughts. Reflections of what I’ve done and what I’ve experienced in the past and realizations came in like a wrecking ball handy. I fully recuperated from all the hurting and just let bygones be as it is. I walked for like several kilometers already.

The start of new me.

I started walking back along with the heaps of people going around and started mingling with one or two. Met two Spaniards, I think the other one is Italian and the others who I don’t know what the hell their race is, but they surely are nice to talk with. I forgot their names, but surely, we had a great time.

It feels like so great to meet new people and be like hang with them for a little while.

They got the booze, I opted to sleep.

Day 2

Spell Paradise: B-O-R-A-C-A-Y

Early morning, she wakes up | Knock, knock, knock on the door. I woke up again to, what?, walk and walk and appreciate all the morning glory. I really love the fine weather, the wind, everything. I even forgot how far I’ve walked already. From there, at the end of Station 1, I just sat there for like almost an hour just to think and think and think forever.

Soon enough, my Japanese friends told me to have lunch at their hotel. Since it’s free (#FREELOADER), I willingly oblige. We then eat and had a little talk. They had to go to play golf as scheduled so they sent me to my room and I just slept for hours (coz I haven’t got any since I arrived in the island.) as I woke up, it’s freezing cold and it’s raining so I stayed for quite a while and then went out as soon as the rain is gone.

I forgot, on that day as well, I met some local kids trying to catch fish. Another kid even offered me to build my name in a sand castle in exchange of 50 pesos. The other offered me the fish she caught, which both I gently declined. So we just talked there regarding how they live in the island and how they spend time during the whole week. It’s pretty decent and light talk. Soon enough, I found myself in the coast, and some foreign peeps went lining down the block just to watch what I got. Lol. I’m trying to catch several fish which were brushed by the waves to the shore. I even found a man-made sand pool wherein a school of fish and a crab swimming in there.

Come night time, I met with the Japanese people (aside from Dai and Hiro) that I just met as well in DMall. We had dinner and then stroll a little more. But since I’m kinda not feeling of having drinks (which I don’t normally do), I kindly declined their offer of going to a club.

Yeah, so I just watched Discovery Channel until I fell asleep. Very neat, right?

My second day is really not that noteworthy of happenings, but I manage to be familiar with the beach and how people interact there.

My last day is really something worth remembering.

I really can’t like exactly tell everything right now, but it’s really really fun.

I woke up late and still cuddled with my comfy bed and then head out around later in the afternoon. When I got the courage to stand up and go out, I went to DMall to have my lunch and then buy things that I want. What’s funny is the vendors keep on insisting things to me as if I ain’t a Filipino and they always do the Stupid English, like they do with the Korean tourists. In my head, there’s like a thought bubble that says, hey, I can speak English, don’t act like I can’t understand you [insert evil laugh]. But part of me wanted to ride that craze, and so I walked around and acted up like a foreign tourist (even if I don’t really look like one). Whenever I bought things or even haggled with some, I try to speak to them in English. And that’s it, they spoke to me like I can’t understand when they are speaking in vernacular, put on my poker face and have a blast. I even asked directions and they still speak English even tho one ate is having a hard time explaining things sans their mother tongue. Gee. I commend her for being so persistent. All the locals are helpful. They really are!

Me: Where’s Ta-li-papa? (in a weird accent)

Ate: Ta-li-papa? (imagine the intonation) You see green house? There. There. (pointing at the two storey house) Then you make liko. You know liko? (demonstrating the narrow alley near the house) … She kept on giving directions just to guide me. I flushed. Why are they like that? Really sweet.

So yeah, I really had fun being a foreigner in your own native land. Haha.

BEAT THAT.

As I walked heading towards my room, I was allured by the huge waves hugging off the coast. I hurriedly went back to my room and left my thing… poof! I already was in the middle of the sea. Too bad, I can’t swim. Too lucky, the sea floor ain’t rocky, but a just a vast fine sand like a cushion to your feet and it ain’t deep, too. So I started playing with the waves. I had my own makeshift stage, the sea is my playground. The see is my platform. I’m gonna perform. That’s what I said to myself. That’s where I started singing and dancing to the ARTPOP tracks. I sing my heart out with joy whilst the sun kept going down slowly as I perform gallantly. That was like one of the happiest days I had. It’s like a metaphor of my Freedom while succumbing to the rules the wave had given me. At that point, I was playing my own game already. I’m a league of my own. The phoenix in me has finally arisen form the burrows of its ash.

Loving how fine the weather is.

After that life changing moment (IT TOTALLY WAS!), I head back and prepped up for my upcoming departure.

As soon as I left the island, I told myself that it’s never gonna be my last. I just came there for myself. The next time, I will go there for Boracay already.

Finally, I had three lines crossed out of my bucket:

-          Travel alone

-          Ride on a plane

-          Experience Boracay

That’s three birds in one stone.

BEAT THAT.

As I went back to Manila, I have already been a different ME.

Same name. Same person. Different perspective. Different endeavors.

Will it be bad or good? I don’t give a fuck. The Queen has already laid down my cards, it’s up to me how to play them.

Boracay will always be my haven.

On a final thought, funny how strangers treat you better than those who you know more. Love them. My respect will always be with them. I will always appreciate the people who appreciate and respect me. It’s a totally different reality from my own reality. :)

The adventure is so spontaneous!

The fun never stops.

Everything is full of spark and quirk.

I really love travelling alone.

I really love travelling.

I really love every single thing that had happened.

IT's all worth it.

Anything Goes.

PS:

WARNING:

DON’T FALL IN LOVE (NEITHER GET HEART BROKEN).

MAHIRAP MASAKTAN. MAHAL MAGMOVE ON.

KIDS, DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME.

HAHAHA

Whimper

It is sad.

Almost.

Tryna find ways how to cope up.

Seems like I don't wanna continue the fight.

The search is over.

And so is forever.

You called it quits.

I got the sheets.

Wiped all these tears.

Killed by all these fears.

If there's someone

Who's willing to help,

Please do so

Make my heart melt.

Soon it will take a year

That you're never near.

Fuck all those demons

You want them over me,

Over me who always stayed,

And them you just met.

I will never fight,

But I will always remain.

Will you still love me if I stay?

Or if I go, and look for life anew

Will I ever find another you?

I'm so afraid.

The well is deep.

I can't sustain

What life can give.

DON'T ACT SURPRISE IF I DO IT, 
AS IF I NEVER TOLD YOU.

I'll take the purple with red

to leave the color blue.

Won't find it funny, 'coz I won't smile.

Just let the clock,

Soon it will...

FUCK. SAD. DEAD. (My life's fucked up, I am sad, I am a living dead)

FUCK. SAD. DEAD.

For almost a year, I’ve been writing all this time about heartbreak, about despondency, all about nothing that I should not be talking about. It’s hypocritical that I kept on scribbling the same subject irregardless of how I feel at the moment. I don’t know – I really don’t. You know what? I’ve never been this lonely and this is my only outlet – writing. I may presume that this is the reason why I wrote melancholic notes and it kind of bugs me off because for the very reason, this secludes me from the personality that I show to other people. Yeah, I am bipolar; almost schizophrenic; a victim of paranoia. Please, render me something to get through this feeling. Sometimes, I used to see myself in the characters of some television shows I watch. It’s not unusual, but I just came to a point where I envy them because I’m no one. No one’s interested on me. There’s none a thing. I have this feeling that if they just give me a chance to get to know me, they will like me, but at the back of my mind, I don’t think so. I’m not everybody’s sweetheart, neither a big bad brat. Well, I used to play both, in my dreams, in which I have a hard time portraying. It’s cool to be mean and pitiful for some reasons, but it’s hard to maintain such. One might despise you to a point that he might dislike every single thing about you. Unfortunately, every critique matters to me. I feel indifferent when I hear bad things about me which I try to reconcile with and if I hear good feedbacks, I then became flattered. But at the end of the day, I still don’t know who I am. As soon as you’re reading this, you still don’t know who I am. A pretender, a chameleon, a destitute – I AM NOTHING. I don’t know if i can still prove to myself that i can be somebody. As years pass by, I feel like a candle slowly melting. My dreams, my plans, my everything, it seems to disappear in every little step I take. I always say I can do this, do those, but in the end, I get poor outputs which is very dissatisfactory. I want to kill my self – for many times – for being such a fiasco. L

I see myself not contributory to anybody. What I brought into this earth since I came into my senses, is just loads of garbage in terms of physically, socially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I dealt none when it comes to goodwill. As you read this, you can see that my thoughts are quite cluttered and I am much derogatory to myself – all because I AM WORTHLESS. As I type this, I recalled that I should be writing about how loneliness affects my writing. But as I go through this, it seems like I’ve been hurting myself by bursting out, ranting out how foolish I am, how I do not deserve to live. I don’t know. I just keep my fingers type the letters and construct the thoughts. I don’t know. It’s automatic. I am sad – very sad. For no reason at all, I am sad. I don’t have a love life, I don’t have a best friend, and I don’t have anybody. Maybe because, there’s no one that I can talk to, the one I can breathe about my problems, I am just lonely. How poor this keyboard for experiencing rape from his rude owner because he is alone. The symptoms of being bipolar strike again. I want my inner soul to be free, to be loose. I’ve been carrying a lot – fucking lot. Please talk to me. Please. Please. Please.

I am miserable. Pathetic. Nevertheless, I am bored with what I am now - DISCONTENTED.

Falcon Hit Me Hard

The rage of the storm

Rushed so hard once again,

The chicken flood have strewn

Whilst my lonesome heart fluttered.

I never thought that this

Will be the point of my evoking

All the memories flashed back

All my wounds were hurting.

I saw people, people – they’re happy

And in front of the mirror,

I saw my face jealous,

Obnoxious and full o’ misery.

As the drops of rain fell,

Tears brushed onto my eyes

As bygones be bygones

I knew, can’t be mine.

Stop all this mess

Crap all this stress;

How lucky are you,

To have this lucky dew

How poor am I,

Elbow greasing for a life.

I [don't] Play God (Chapter 8)

Chapter 8 – The Left Out

“Love knows no sexes, knows no formula, only love knows happiness.”

—Thou seek love for your own fulfillment, not for the sake of other’s contentment.—

“Layville! Layville! Go, Chameleons! Rock, Chameleons! Ah ah, ahoy! L.U. Chameleons score!”

The wild cheer practice of the L.U. pep squad was growling all over the gymnasium. It was very powerful and very bombarding. They will surely win the next national cheering competition as the coaching skill of Ms. Riza was very good and Agatha’s leadership skill was very enthusiastic. Thirty minutes later, a water break was ordered by the coach. Agatha walked toward her sports bag as she noticed somebody viewing them throughout their practice. She carefully walked toward the silhouette as if it was a serial killer trying to hide away from her. A few steps more, she was quite near to him. As she stepped further, the guy ran away from his place. She tried to catch him, but he was quick. His face was not familiar to him, assuming that it was a freshman or a student from other college. She decided to go back for she did not see the guy again.

“Where did you go?” asked Belinda, another cheerleader.

“At the back. I saw someone looking to us from afar. I’m just trying to figure out who it was, but he ran away,” she explained.

“Don’t mind him. That’s just a jerk. Do not think of it anymore, okay?” so they went toward their bags while waiting for the next set of practice. Sophia and Agatha still have their dispute because of Theodore. She seemed to be sad knowing that Sophia has a grudge over her. She wanted to reconcile with her, but Sophia didn’t want her since they were born.

On her way to her purple jaguar XKR convertible, she saw a commotion happening near her car. She walked to see and check what was really going on. A guy, who seemed to be familiar with him, was bullied by two other guys. The two guys were quite smaller than the guy who was bullied. They were mocking him and trying to annoy him. She saw his reaction and she thought he’s not happy with what they’re doing.

“Ugh, excuse me guys, I’m sorry to interrupt you, but do you know what you guys are doing to him?” she asked courteously.

“Oh, bud, look at the girl in front of us, it’s Agatha, the star student,” said the guy who wears a blue football jacket with a star design on its back and a white stripes on its sleeves. He was kinda dark, and medium built.

“Yeah, she’s really hot… Look at you, chicks!” said the other guy who wears a black cardigan with a large red horizontal stripes in his t-shirt plus his faded jeans. Among the three, he’s the whitest.

“Can you please stop this?” Agatha said.

“Stop what?” the dark guy said.

“Stop bullying him, please?”

“Bud, we got to go. You kid, we’re not yet done, wimpy kid,” the white guy said. “Sorry, Miss Agatha.”

“Are you alright?” Agatha asked the guy.

“I’m fine. I’m Timothy.”

“You know what, you look familiar.”

“Familiar? Why?” wondered Timothy.

“I have seen you before, I just don’t know where.”

“Maybe I have a look alike,” smiled Timothy.

Based from Agatha’s observations, Timothy stands six feet tall because they are almost equal as he straightly stood up. He has a brown hair, thick brows, and he has a tanned skin. He seemed to be a vain with the way he dressed up. He bid his goodbye to Agatha and she went to her car as Timothy walked away. By the way it looks, Timothy was a cowardly kid who’s afraid to face the world.

ͼѦͽ

“This day was so different from my usual day,” sighed Timothy. “Agatha Serrano, my hero,” he continued. He entered the gate of their house. It was a bungalow type and the paint used in the house was only light brown and ash white which gave a mysterious ambience to the antique house of the Montez’.

“Hey Tim! How’s your day?” his dad asked.

“It’s fine. Nothing new,” he replied as he put his brown messenger’s bag on the teal sofa near the door. He also removed his shoes and socks and worn his slippers.

“How boring your life is, Tim, I told you, join the football team to spice up your college life. If you’re a jock, you’ll be a star and a lot of girls will run after you,” his dad advised as he finished fixing the pipe in the kitchen.

“Dad, I don’t need that. I’m okay with who I am in school.”

“Do you really want to be a ghost in your class? Some don’t notice you and some don’t really know you at all?”

“You know dad, as long as I pass the exams, I’m fine. I have no problem if I have friends or none.”

“Son…” His dad has something to say, but he quickly butted in to prevent what he’s about to say.

“Not again! You always want to compare me with your old self. Yes, in your time, you are the hot jock, you are favorable by your teachers, you are… you are everything. And it pisses me a lot when I always hear that same old story,” Timothy angrily said. “I’m going to my room. I’ll study.”

“Timothy, aren’t you going to eat?” asked his dad just to change the topic.

“No! I already ate my dinner,” he shouted. He was already upstairs.

Since he was a child, he grew up with the guidance of his strict, but good father. His mother was working abroad to satisfy their needs. When he was eight, his sister, Melanie died because of leukemia. His father couldn’t take what happened, so he decided to quit his job. From then on, he became stricter to his only son, Timothy. He was that encouraging to Tim when he joined contests and other activities, but it was Tim who really dislikes joining those. When he reached high school, he became indisposed with his studies. He gained no friends aside from Luigi, his best friend. But Luigi died in a car accident when they are in second year. He really laid low with the death of his best friend, that’s why he really became reclusive to others. His dad wanted to regain his only child, but his method was wrong. Through the years, he had given him a wrong frontispiece of life. He insisted things he doesn’t like. And he was so strict and chauvinistic which pushed Timothy to a life miserably enough for him to suffer. Now, Timothy was somewhat a rebel to himself and confusion brought him to the road less chosen.

He was about to go to school when he was seen by somebody.

“Hey!” shouted by the voice. Timothy looked in all the direction to locate whose voice owns that. He traced it; it was coming inside the car. As he looked closer, it was Agatha. “Will I take you for a ride?” she asked.

He looked at his back to be sure that he was the one Agatha’s been referring to. “S-sure. Thanks.” Timothy, a little bit hesitated, went inside the car. He didn’t know what to feel, but he was comfortable joining with Agatha.

“What year are you? What course?” asked Agatha.

“Sophomore. Culinary arts. You s-still remember me?”

“Of course I do, I met you yesterday, right?”

“Yep. Thank you by the way.”

“No problem. Why were you bullied by those guys, if you don’t mind?” Agatha queried.

“Oh, my classmates? It’s because I did not let them copy my work. That’s why.”

“But why did you let them do that to you?”

“Because I can do nothing,” Tim quietly answered.

“Don’t you have friends in school?”

“None.”

“Don’t worry, from now on, I will be your friend.”

“R-really? Thanks,” Tim said with an enlightened face.

“You know what, you look very timid. Why?”

“I’m just nervous. I know no one outside our class.”

“That’s okay. As you go to higher years, you’ll meet plenty of friends. I was like you last year.”

“But you’re very popular in school.”

“Popularity is different from friendship. I was just popular in the eyes of many because I am the cheer captain, but if not, I’m just an ordinary schoolgirl. I’m fine having my best friend with me who really knows me well.”

“That’s sweet.”

“It is. Besides, having too much friends is not the true basis for being a true friend or  being a good person, it is the cleanliness of your heart that will show how good you are.”

“I agree. Do you have a boyfriend?”

“You will apply? None. Haha.”

“No. J It’s just the guy who will capture your heart is the luckiest.”

“Oh hey, we’re already here. Let’s go now,” she invited Timothy to go down and the two went to their respective classes.

ͼѦͽ

“Okay class, it’s a week ago and we’re going to celebrate the annual CollteaB. Are you ready to meet Mt. Crookeley?” Mr. Fernando asked his Economics students.

“Yes, sir!” The class answered lively.

“Okay, before we start our lesson for today, I would like to congratulate Ms. Agatha Serrano for garnering the highest score on our exam. Besides, she’s also the highest in the reporting I gave last week. Let’s give her a round of applause,” Mr. Fernando said while ordering Agatha to stand in front, but she just stood up and sat again.

“Congratulations,” Theodore said as she sat down.

“T-thanks,” she responded shortly. A sudden heartbeat was felt by her the moment she replied. That was her worst feeling ever.

“Will you want me to treat you?” Theodore offered, hoping that Agatha will say yes.

“Treat what?” she nervously answered back.

“Lunch? Dinner? Whatever you want. It is your day.”

“Lunch. Deal?” she answered surprisingly.

“R-really? Yes!” Theodore exclaimed. He didn’t expect that. That will be his greatest lunch ever.

“Mr. Montez? What’s the matter?” Mr. Fernando curiously asked as Theodore’s loud voice was heard by everybody, even Sophia.

“Ugh, sir? Matter? Matter is a substance of the universe that has mass, occupies space, and is convertible to energy,” he naively answered. Everybody laughed with his answer. His serious face made it very funny. Agatha also giggled with what he said.

“Mr. Montez, what am I asking is what is your problem there. I’m not asking what the meaning of matter is. Oh my glorious God, are you in love?” Mr. Fernando said with his eyes boggled.

“Am I, sir? Yeah. Almost,” he answered infatuatedly.

Everybody was overjoyed except for one, Sophia. Her brows were all up high like a viper ready to coil her prey.

“Okay. Cut that class. I have another announcement. There is only one student who failed in this class, I’m sorry,” Mr. Fernando said. “It was you Ms. Abbe. I’m sorry you failed.”

“But sir…” Sophia desperately tried to please her prof, but it seemed that he couldn’t do anything to pull her grades up.

“Okay Ms. Abbe, I’ll give you another chance. You’ll be helping the CollteaB team in organizing things. Your task is not ordinary so you must do well for you to pass. That’s all guys. Let’s proceed to our topic,” said the bald professor. He then continued his boring lecture.